The side of me you’ll rarely see…unless you’re wrong!

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I’m sitting here thinking. I should feel so good right now. I should be standing around doing my “told you so” dance. I should feel like a million bucks. Why? Because I proved my point with someone and I was RIGHT! And they even admitted that I was right ~ even better!

But I don’t feel like any of those things. Not one bit. Instead, I sit here feeling rotten and awful.

This isn’t how it was supposed to go in the plan inside my head…

Yesterday, I had 2 instances…count them, not 1, but TWO times where I kinda sorta lost my cool and got into super defensive mode. No, I didn’t tell anyone off or blow up and bless them out. I don’t typically make a habit of doing that. Instead, I call my husband and vent. And vent. And vent. And vent. And the situation plays out like this most of the time: “I’m so frustrated! Why would they do that? Are they stupid? Don’t they understand they just made more work for me? I don’t have time for this! Ughgghhhhhhhhh!!!!”

And then, he kindly responds: “I know you’re upset, but it’s not worth it. You’re assuming the worst. Let it go. Don’t worry about it. I know what you were trying to accomplish and you were right, but just let it go.”

Cue the song from Frozen: “Let it go, let it go…”

So, I say he’s so right, but that I’m still so frustrated…and hang up.

Then, my friends – the mind games begin. I want sooo badly to let it go. But, I don’t. I rehearse the situation over and over in my head. What could I have done to have a different outcome? What could I have said or explained better for people to get what I need them to do? Why do I attract these difficult people in my life? Can’t we all just get along??

Then I start fixing things.

I craft emails, I rehearse conversations, I work out my plan in a very nice and kind way. I want to make sure this recent victim, I mean person, knows exactly what they have done to bump into my happy. I also intend to spell it out nice and plain about why I am right.

And they are wrong.

I waste countless hours. Typing, erasing, typing again, talking to Brian. Saying I shouldn’t even send anything. Does this line sound mean? Is that comment rude? Will they take this the wrong way? Probably so. But, I continue on in my selfish striving and such (If I could slap myself in this blog post, I would do that right now!).

Ultimately, I hit send. And it feels so stinkin’ good. Hmm, I sure showed them!

A few hours later, I usually get a response. Like today. I got an all out apology. And there was a line that specifically said that they didn’t in any way intend to put me on the defense with their actions.  Sometimes they take time to tell me why they made the decision they did and it is almost always a scenario that I didn’t even consider a possibility. Oh, you mean you said something that you typed late at night without thinking it all the way through? Oh, you were speaking out of frustration?

I NEVER do things like that….ummm, yeah.

Now you understand. I did it. I proved me right. And it stinks. And yet another person has become victim to my emotional over reactions. Why do I do this over and over? I want to stop this. It isn’t a way to live a life that makes a difference in this world. It isn’t what I want to be known for. It isn’t what I want my kids to grow up seeing in their mom. Oh yeah, she was ALWAYS right..and she made sure you knew it too, buddy.

So, tonight I sit here and know that I have to do things differently in my life.

This is one of my struggles. Yes, we all have them. Struggles to live like we know we should, but many times letting our flesh take over. I don’t want to get all preachy, teachy on you here. Just hear me out.

What would our lives look like if we all decided to see the best possible scenario with those that get on our last nerves and do things that make our lives more difficult? What if we stop for one millisecond before reacting in ways we know we shouldn’t? What if we ask a friend to be our accountability and talk us out of these kind of power trip moments when we want with all that’s inside of us to be right…right at the expense of proving someone else wrong? Any volunteers to be on call for me as an accountability partner in this topic?? I might need you on speed dial, just sayin’!

I’m here on the other side of over emotional reactions telling you it doesn’t feel like you think it will feel. No, I’m not saying to be a pushover and never speak up. Just consider your actions and motives behind your words. Am I proving my point for the right reasons? Or just to make myself look better? Ouch. That hurts.

A verse has been ever so slightly finding its way into my life lately. I see it everywhere – in books, on cards, in devotionals, in conversations. I guess there’s a reason for that! It says:

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2)

I’ve tried doing things like the world. I’ve tried to do it my own way. It doesn’t work and it always disappoints. And so I have to live every. single. day. by letting God renew my mind. I doubt I will ever get this right 100% of the time. I’ll mess up and I’ll need to ask for forgiveness.

Speaking of – if you’re reading this and you’ve been a victim, I mean person, on the receiving end of my rather emotional crazy moments of proving myself right…I’m sorry. I’m asking for a do over.

I sure hope there’s someone else out there that’s been here in this place. I’d love to hear from you and encourage you along the way. We can do this, friends!

~Starr

 

7 thoughts on “The side of me you’ll rarely see…unless you’re wrong!

  1. Oh, girl! We should hold each other accountable in that. Trust me, it is genetic! Not that it’s an excuse, but I have heard pretty much most of my branch of the Johnson family call that a “Johnson trait”. And yes, I got it too. And one (or two or three) of my kids did, too, lol! So you can imagine when we all get together how lively that can be! But it’s crazy because several books I’ve read lately and in several devotionals, that exact same verse has come up and really “God thumped” me on the head! I KNOW if I just take my thoughts captive and NOT OPEN MY MOUTH FIRST that I would be a much better person and a much better witness. But when I get like that my diarrhea of the mouth takes over and oh, well, it’s gets bad. And the only medicine is the Word. But it’s a struggle for me. Love this blog though! It really, really spoke to me and I’m just always amazed when God shows up and continually puts Himself in my path through awesome words and honest, very real people like you, my dear cousin! Keep on sharing! You are so not alone and trust me, you have a beautiful soul and a loving heart and that overshadows the other stuff! Love ya!

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  2. I will hold you accountable if you will me! I was just thinking this today. I swear somedays you are in my car!!! That’s how I know this is God using you to soeak to me. I need to think before I speak. Listen fully and then think about my response. Thanks for being real Starr.

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  3. Amy!!! How did we go this long in life without connecting, dear!?!? It’s crazy how much we can relate to each other and these traits we seem to have acquired from our heritage! I love that you said, “diarrhea of the mouth!” I totally should have used that phrase in my post! And medicine is the WORD! Amen, cuz! Love you very much and glad we can at least keep up with each other in the online world 🙂

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  4. Starr, I will help keep you accountable. I think this is is one of the best post I have read. I play the same mind game and them live to regret it later. Thank for always being truthful and hard core honest.

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